mindf*cked

2005-06-12T00:53:00.000-07:00

'i guess, we can all relate to each other, one way or another, we're all the same. put aside the apparent differences, dig deep down, we all want someone to love us and appreciate who we are, without having to conform to society's standards. and of course, it's best if the feeling's mutual. it's hard to find, and it truly is something we take for granted when we have it. this desire in us, lives long and sometimes go forgotten. how sad it that? sigh. blame it on our youth, for the most idealistic dreams and surreal fantasies. we hold on to what we have, to help us go on. as we grow older, little by little, it's lost. we begin to see what a sad world this place is, and how hope is elusive. i do think of this world as depressing and disappointing, but i refuse to give up my ideas about love, hope and faith.'

because if i do, what am i living for?

i sent that email to a friend of mine a couple of days ago. well. to be honest...

1) i'm not gonna be a millionaire anytime soon before my 18th birthday
2) i'm not gonna become a freaking jedi ( DO NOT LAUGH! )
3) i sure as hell wasn't emancipated at 15
4) or attending parties at 13 :5) steven spielberg hasn't declared me his God-daughter
6) sophia coppola hasn't taken me on as her apprentice
7) i'm not gonna be a war hero
8) or the first child to walk on Jupiter

dang this is embarrassing lol

2005-05-13T00:24:00.000-07:00

how do you comfort a dreamer who finally sees reality?

do not be afriad, I am with you
I will call you each by name.
...
come and follow me, I will give you hope.
I love you and you are mine.'

2005-04-30T10:02:00.000-07:00

sometimes i wonder how much we take for granted, be it the simple luxuries we overlook everyday to the sacrifices others make for us.

lets go back 4 years ago.

i remember appreciating the days without the teasing and name calling. i hated how i had to put up with it, pretending to be unfazed, pretending to be strong. i laughed it all off, stared them down, ignored them, but it wouldn't stop. i feel disgusted just thinking about how i felt fearful everytime i saw them. one moment, i could be smiling and laughing with my friends, the next, i start hearing them behind me. it didn't matter if i whacked, kicked, screamed ot hit them, the enemies, it doesn't work. it's a game to them. obviously, at my expense.

it stopped, eventually. (thankfully)

2 years on.

i still standby what i said, it was the best and worst year ever. no doubt, i had my fair sure of fun and attention. but no one would really know how much it meant to me. :p when things were bad, they were terrible. i couldn't even look anyone in the eye. i was worried about what they knew about me, or what rumours were spread. i prayed, and i prayed so hard, for a day when it'll all just go away, and i wouldn't have to worry about anything or anyone.

that day did come.

but no one said it was going to last.

everything changed on my 16th birthday. lets just say that things got better, i could lift my head up and not hide. it's the best fucking feeling in the entire world to have those people who used to tease the hell outta you, see you in a completely different light.

hey, that alone called for a celebration! it may not mean anything to you, but as silly as it sounds, it was some sort of milestone for me. something i achieved and got over.

there are times when you just realise that all your pretty clothes and shoes don't mean anything

i can't stop people from assuming and talking. i'm guilty of that too. at around 3am in the morning, when you have nothing else to do, you kinda tend to think too much. stupid things, in fact.

a prostitute sells her body right?

compare the body and the soul. the body is superficial and the soul is obviously, NOT.

so. a person who backstabs/manipulates/betrays/puts down/does things to their advantage and ours disadvantage towards etc (you get the point) his/her friends, would be one who's selling themselves out right?!

basically, i linked it to the idea of them selling their souls.

right. i have to much time on my hands. :\

2005-04-17T23:23:00.000-07:00

okay. i like tequila now.

WAH LAO IT WAS DAMN FUN LAAAAA. i was freaking scared that i wouldn't be able to get in, but luck was on my side. :) dang that was good.

i'm bored.

xb wants me to blog about the 10 ways to kill him. i'm too lazy la. so i came up with my own :D

1) taking away any body part, with the exception of fat around my belly or thighs, tonsils, or appendix
2) cloudy corneas on both eyes
3) losing any of senses or voice
4) losing a parent
5) no cable or teevee
6) NO MORE SAMBAL OR CHILLI
7) ham cheese milk ice cream candy (OH WAIT, THIS HAPPENING WTF)
8) tell me i have diabetes, high blood pressure, infertile, cancer, etc
9) no money for school etc, hence, stuck at home 24/7 with no internet or handphone (the latter has happened on separate occasions)
10) being stuck in purgatory FOREVER

click here

*DROOLS

2005-04-12T22:53:00.000-07:00

DO MY QUIZ
Take my Quiz on QuizYourFriends.com!

going shopping with miss valerie er means only one thing; i realise how teenagers should be given more money.

yesterday, we were on a mission: Find Keshia A Present She'll Remember. that posed several problems, mainly, WHAT IN THE WORLD DO WE GET FOR HER?!? see, the girl has a certain style and rather specific tastes that can be challenging to find. lol

and this is gonna sound selfish. but you know, when you're shopping for a friend, it's hard to find something that they'll like and not fall in love with lol. oh come on, you know that feeling. 'hmmm, this will look nice on her. oh wait. it'll look nice on ME!' HAHAHA i'm kidding la

VALENTINO IS WHINY LA! but it's cool. i get paid to hang out with him. HAHA

i sent felicia goh hui xian one of the pics from my bauhas assignment, you know, the gluttony pic. and this is her response.

feL- sunshine sweetness says:
omgggg
feL- sunshine sweetness says:
it spoils the essence of chocolate!!
feL- sunshine sweetness says:
ahh!! chocolate abuse!

:( I DO NOT ABUSE CHOCOLATE OKAAAY!

i'm so bored right now i'm crappier then usual :
and jon's birthday's coming. ;)

2005-04-07T08:00:00.000-07:00

today sucked.

the GP told me that my cornea was cloudy (this is bad), there were white spots around it (it gets worst) and the blood vessels were very much affected and red. he said that i probably had some deep infection inside my eye ball. cool eh?

so he wrote me a referral letter and asked me to see a specialist asap. my mum ended up taking the rest of the day off and accompanied me to mt elizabeth hospital, to see the same doctor that did those numerous eye operations on me when i was younger.

there, we waited for around an hour plus. and this is what i found out.

1) for normal people, their tear count's around 15-35. mine's 14(left) and 10(right)

2) my eye sight's still okay. phew.

3) it's not just my right eye that was affected. my left one was as well. they were both filled with cysts that needed to be removed. they had to numb both of my eyes and the doc squeezed them out with a cotton stick. hah. i later found out that he did a lot of pricking inside my eye lids as well.

it only gets better

4) not only do i have to get rid of the 50 over stuff toys in my room, clean up my room and change my bedsheets even more regularly, i have to change my diet. basically, i can't take food with preservatives. sounds easy right? hah no.

i can't take:

1) cheese
2) milk
3) ice cream
4) canned food eg campbell soup
5) ham
6) sausages
7) chocolate
8) salted veggie and fish
9) canned drinks, think coke
10) fish cake

i've been rather health conscious for some time now...so i thought i'd be okay. argghh. this sucks la. but there is an up side to this. :) the doc told my mum to get me a cap and sunglassed. :))

2005-04-06T09:40:00.000-07:00

someone, PLEASE explain something to me. why is it that whenever i'm freakin broke, i end up spending money and shop more, and when i'm ready to spend some cash, I DON'T?

eeeeks. and my eye's red again. it has to be one of the options below.

1) sore eye
2) allergies
3) dust
4) mites
5) conjunctivitis
6) cysts

PICK ONE. :)

i met up fel today. :D ahhh it's been such a long time man. i sooo miss her. we did the usual girlie stuff, went shopping and talked talked talked. :) gosh it feels good to meet up with old friends again.

we both got so excited when we found out that vanilla caramel brownie was the flavour of the month at haagan dazs! lol we got so excited that one of those old ah mas walking past us had to said something mean. hmph.

cool beans. we're going out again next week. andy wants to come with us, probably to get us food and carry our shopping bags. :P be our jie mei. HAHAHAHA

2005-04-02T22:45:00.000-08:00

Although the name Gwen creates an active mind and a restless urge to explore new ideas, we emphasize that it limits your versatility and scope, tuning you to technical details. This name, when combined with the last name, can frustrate happiness, contentment, and success, as well as cause health weaknesses in the solar plexus, and elimination system.

Your first name of Gwen has created contrasting qualities in your nature. You desire change and varied experiences and you are capable in many areas, but you do not excel because of your scattering, impulsive desires. With supportive influence from other names you may use, you could be creative or artistic in a practical way, but basically this name is a plodding influence, though you have a desire for greater expression. Although you desire to avoid monotony, you seem to be attuned to system, order, and attention to detail. You can be very analytical, exacting, and patient as long as there is a challenge holding your interest, such as in the field of computers with its technical challenge.

get your name analyzed!

I'M BORED LA. :(

2005-04-02T21:44:00.000-08:00

'how long do i have to wait for you to be mine? i've been here for you since you were 14, FOURTEEN. all these time, i've seen all of them breaking your heart, and seeing you never giving up on any of them. why can't you just wake up and open your eyes? i've always been here for you, ALWAYS.'

you asked me why i didn't give you a chance back then. i told you i was scared. you didn't believe me.

'and now?'

you told me that i've been writing way too many love stories, with the wrong male leads. and maybe, just maybe, i should get someone i've known the whole time.

'this would have never happened if you were with me. i'd take care of you, i'd never hurt you. I'D KNOW WHAT TO DO.'

do you? where were you all this while? you were doing something else, you said i could count on you for anything. anything. where the fuck were you when i was in the dumps, msg-ing you and asking you for help? where the fuck were you? you told me i was being silly, to cry all over again. but no, i'm stupid to trust you.

'you're strange and beautiful...and mine'

*part fiction, part truth, from my perspective of a certain situation

2005-03-29T06:20:00.000-08:00

i wanted to scream when i saw the medisoc paper. and it's not in delight.

watched spongebob today with them.

they rocked. lol

char and i were cam whores, aye, nothing new lol.

all of us couldn't stop laughing

simply put, today was hell fun. :) eeeeee kesh i wish you came as well!!! and i have an announcement to make.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, MISS BROWN COW!!!! :D

that's valerie er by the way. lol

2005-03-28T21:45:00.000-08:00

i am so so so so tired. i'm calling it quits. agnes tan, you're gonna have to see me again next sem, with a batch of newbies. bah. and no worries, i'll be my usual self, silent and (SO NOT) deadly. nothing new, as always.

i'm in desperate need of retail therapy. AH HAH. that is something i am doing tmr!!! omgoodness. finally, some time spent with jon liz and juan. :)

wait.

why am i blogging today when i'm probably gonna blog about more tmr?

i need a job. i need a job. i need a job. i want to get in iPod. and my cousin's getting me clothes from australia, and considering her current situation, it's best i pay her back. :\ poor girl, hope she's going okay.

k i'll add in more tmr.

2005-03-25T17:17:00.000-08:00

It's Good Friday, and i made sure i woke up early to make it to church ON TIME. :) but well, it turned out to be a bad horrible day. :(

1) my mum injured her back

i don't know how she did it, but she wasn't even able to stand up properly, or even walk at her normal speed. my dad thought that she cracked her tailbone, like me. but nooo. i don't think soo. anyway, my dad and i rushed my mum down to the hospital, instead of church, and the doctor said that she needs to have 48 hours of bedrest, and if she doesn't feel any pain in her legs or upper back, she probably has slip disk.

SHE'S 50 THIS YEAR CAN. HER BONES AREN'T THAT STRONG ANYMORE.

erm. yeah and she's going back to work on monday.

BUT THIS KINDA THING TAKES AT LEAST 6 TO 8 WEEKS TO RECOVER.

2) someone was killed at buona vista MRT station

on our way back from the hospital, the cabbie blurted that out. (very random) apparently, he thinks that the guy jumped onto the tracks when the train was approaching.

it all makes sense, there were several looonngg shuttle buses along commonwealth ave. WHICH ALSO EXPLAINS WHY IT TOOK US SO LONG TO GET A CAB DOWN TO GLENEAGLES.

3) i put on weight.

-end

2005-03-22T07:28:00.000-08:00

this is why i HATE chocolate

yes, some might drool at the sight of that picture, but after i ate that, I FELT LIKE PUKING. it's DISGUSTING! val and i were studying at starbucks, and obviously, i was hungry. so, i bought the cake. hah. after i finished it up, i wanted to hurl; badly.

so i tried to puke in the toilet. AND I GOT A TONGUE CRAMP.

2005-03-20T04:04:00.000-08:00

ever wanted to know how porn stars looked like when they're asleep?

or if they're mouths would be wide open?

or if they'd be talking in their sleep?

well. i have the answer.

and it's a silent one. (no sounds la)

because this one doesn't snore.

.
.
.
.
.
.

nah. lin xuanbin.

yeah. and to balance out this whole blog entry, i decided to include two pictures of my nephew.

all hail the sleepy butt!

*beams

someone's gonna kill me on tuesday :(

2005-03-19T05:49:00.000-08:00

lemme tell you a story about a girl i look up to, discretely. my cousin.

growing up, i've always looked up to her, for being to pretty and beautiful, for having so much male attention surrounding her. i remembered hating to go out with her, because of the number of guys turning to look at her. she's just so good looking with a fantabulas dress sense. she seemed to have the life i've always wanted. as a flight steward, she was traveling the world, buying nice clothes bags and accessories. and being so street smart.

as a teenager, i wanted so much to be like her. after all, she gets my mum's attention, and everyone else's. who could blame them? she's like a magnet, who could resist? plus, she clubbed partied drank and smoked. i wanted all of them, except smoking, of course. then, she got married, settled down, and gave birth to the most adorable baby boy ever.

she's just so beautiful. and i guess, i could never be like her.

last week, she was in a pub with her husband, and some woman approached him, asking him if he was attached. he said no, but failed to mention that his wife was nearby. i don't really know what happened next but when they got home, she was silent. he yelled at her. and worst of all he hit her on her back, injured her wrist, and her head. he called her a disgrace and accused of being drunk even when she wasn't.

if that's not bad enough, he locked her outta their house.

she came over to my place, at around 3am in the morning, crying so hard and loudly. that all happened last week. and now, they're sleeping in separate rooms, and she'll be moving out soon. eventually, this will lead to a divorce, thank goodness. but well, they have a son. i'm worried about how he's gonna grow up, and they will be having joint custody of him. :
he hasn't apologised. because he doesn't think he's in the wrong.

her father passed away when she was 3. one of our relatives didn't treat her fairly. her mum used to hit her when she was younger, and was extremely strict as well.

i trusted him, as a child, and even until i found out. it's just so scary...it's happening all around us. my mum's friend was in an abusive marriage. she stayed in that marriage for her son. it got to a point when he told his mother that she's better off without him. and to think he was only in primary school.

i shouldn't complain about my life. i'll stop now.

prayers are most welcomed. for her. for them.

2005-03-16T22:45:00.000-08:00

i'm glad i'm not as depressed as all those people i see online. what's the point of being so angsty and cynical? i'm glad i outgrew that stage, i'm glad i don't mistaken being depressed as having depth.

sigh. val, i hope you're okay. :)

2005-03-11T10:13:00.000-08:00

i wish people understood you more.

2005-03-01T01:41:00.000-08:00

She couldn't blame me for being temperamental. It was a horrid day for me, and i do believe there's many more to come. i find it so interesting how a lot of people can look at me and think that i have it all going for me, and that i'm one well 'put together' person.

maybe i am.

i'll let you in on something.

for so long, i've been hating my own reflecting. this is no longer about me being awkward with myself, it's grown. to what kind of proportions, i don't know. it's resentment. it's all the voices in my head. it's the acid tears falling and blurring everything i should see so clearly. it's disillusions.

that cursed look in the mirror;
displeasing to my own eyes

i wish i could get rid of my silly childish fear; of seeing the loves i love leave me. funny how things turn out...the people i tried so desperately to run away from, i'm now yearning to be with.

the other day, i coldly told my mum to leave me alone, and she turned to face me and said, 'i've left you alone for too long.' you're not me, you wouldn't know how kind of significance that has. or understand why it's too late.

it's really nothing new, and to all of you who are reading this, there's a reason why i gave you the link, and not to the people i'm supposedly close to. i trust you. and most of all, i believe in you not judging me. some things just don't have to be said to be conveyed.

i told him long ago, that my worst days are those when all the little things add up; all those insignificant events actions and what not. i hide, i pretend, it's so easy. they think they know me, i wish i could scream at them, and tell them that i don't know what's wrong. but what good would that do?

i remembered those days when i prayed that i wouldn't wake up in the morning. that it'll be fast and painless. i know what the source is, i know where it's coming from. i love you all. and i'm not telling.

_____________________________so don't ask.

music kills

2005-01-10T00:07:00.000-08:00

it's exactly like what lizzy said.

there's nothing to live for, yet nothing to kill yourself over.

i'm the runner up inside of you, and you're the winner inside of me

this is in no way related to my boyfriend.

my Sad Songs List

1) my constantine by something corporate
2) the scientist by coldplay
3) okay by swirl 360
4) until the day i die by story of the year
5) freshmen by vervepipe
6) simon by lifehouse
7) LOSE YOUR WAY BY SOPHIE B HAWKINS

music really brings back memories. like how The Reason reminds me of how foolish i was to believe him. or how Don't Wanna Try by Frankie J reminds me of my first love. or Heaven, that stupid techno song, reminds me of the first guy i dated.

it's all negative. i have bad memories EVERYWHERE.